and though they left him nourished

hello i now get out at work at 9 because of daylight savings which is very cool because i don't have to immediately go to bed when i get home since i have school right in the morning. however, the newest schedule to come out they put me on 6-10pm which is bogus so I'm just going to come in earlier so i don't have to stay. 

my english professor pulled me aside after class to ask if i was okay because i missed class last week, and i told her i was but then she gave me that "i don't believe you" smirk and i folded, so i told her how i was burnt out from working and stuff. i think she knows that I'm sensitive to even the kindest of criticism, even when the grade i receive is a really good grade. it's just the way i was brought up. i had a lot of developmental issues as a kid, and when i started to get counseling and began getting better at academics, the bar continued to rise higher with each grade. first it started with my dad going really hard on me for the sake of my success, but right now he knows I'm doing it for the love of the game and even my failures are greater than his successes. but my mom, however, is one of those "you represent me, so you have to be the best" or "if it's not a 100% then it's not good enough." 

but as i mentioned in a previous entry about how i got a B+ on my close reading assignment, i was happy to have gotten a good grade, but that unrequited feeling of being so close to an A was eating at my soul. i am simply a victim of my own sensitive self-sabotage. so, i believe my teacher's intuition is exactly this, and she mentioned how she used my paper during class as an example of a good paragraph. i went "really?" and she went "really!" and it made me pretty happy of course, and salty to have missed it if that doesn't sound vain enough. I'm very much part of the nina sayers' and andrew neiman's of my generation when it comes to being good enough, if not the best. 

she also sent me an email recommending me a tutoring position, saying that i'd be really good at it :) i might take it into consideration! just got to balance it out with work. 

hello new england (heather voice) my eyeball hurts because i had to write without my glasses on because i'm too lazy to grab them from my bedroom. 

i started watching true blood again and it's making me very melancholy to be on the last season. i'm gonna miss crashout bill </3 but i started the 100 since my friend recommended me it and I really need octavia and clarke to lez out...

anyway, my manager has already been treating me like i'm the supervisor, however this is the development stage before the interview, i think. i guess he's trying to assess how well i can manage the team by giving instructions, but the thing is that i suck as following directions/remembering them. when my boss would give me instructions i could remember them easily, but after his announcement to leave i guess i just couldn't retain information anymore, even if it was a little task.

but today i felt very squirrely because for some reason the cryptids of smithfield decided to come to my job and ask the dumbest questions ever or act like it's their first day on earth. but i did end my shift by helping this older lady with trying to find this ride on mower for her that her husband was looking for and we had to go through the throes of it because she said she found it for $1300 but on our website, it was for $1999. i tried everything in my power to get her a good discount, even trying to sign her up for a credit card and using her husband's military discount. but we can't piggyback off the two and her credit card application was pending anyway. she had to leave and come back to get her license so i could sign her up for a credit card and when she came back she went up to me with pumpkin bread in tinfoil and said, "i brought some pumpkin bread for you from home but i don't want anyone else to see because i don't have anymore." and it was really good. soft and moist and she was super sweet and patient (despite also being stressed out by technology because she's 87).

then i dropped my friend off at her house and immediately knocked out when i got home. i woke up at around 6:30ish and i honestly didn't want to get up but i have to take care of my little girl. oh, and apparently someone at my job thought i had a baby... like a human baby. and one of the appliance ladies came up to me and asked if i gave birth recently and it caught me off guard so bad. i guess when i mentioned i got a baby kitten they missed the kitten part... so now those who know joke around with me by calling me mama, or my manager saying "mamas gotta eat" when he gets me breakfast or snacks. i might as well have given birth to sookie because we're the same in different bodies, and she's just as clumsy and squirrely and sleepy as i am ♡♡♡

to end this off, I've really been fighting the urge to smoke/drink. i have my parents double addiction gene and ever since i turned 17 I've had this gnawing sensation in my chest to indulge in such vices. i've even tried to purchase cigarettes online since I'm not twenty-one yet, a still recent change to the legal age to purchase cigarettes since the pandemic. my friends are 21 or turning 21 and I've honestly been tempted to give them money in exchange for them to get my stuff. 

late night, or rather early morning, entry because when i got home i had to make sure my essay was done for tomorrow morning. now, i did not procrastinate; the essay was written, but i decided to change my formatting so i had to rewrite it then create a proper introduction, proof read it about five times, edit it just as much, and make sure it fits mla standards before emailing it in. my professor never specified how to turn it into her because there isn't a submission slot on our blackboard. tomorrow i'll have to get a head start so i can head to the library and print it out in case she wants a physical copy of it, of which she could always print herself since i shared the document with her. i feel very satisfied with the essay and as much as i am wary of generative ai stealing my content, i'm going to share a link to it for y'alls viewing pleasure. Unfortunately, I still have to do homework for tomorrows class which is to read a few intros of prose since we're past midterms and moving on to novels and drama. 

also, i've been feeling the effects of imposter syndrome heavy ever since my boss left, because i never mentioned that i applied for the supervisor position at my job. i know it will be a full-time investment alongside school, but this is just the way of life. when i say this, i don't mean to imply that i don't want the position, because i do, i am just scared for myself. i have been encouraged countless times, even my boss said he is rooting for me, but i am nonetheless anxious, inadequate, and discouraged by my own lack of self-esteem. i feel like i still have a lot to learn, and as supervisor my team is going to depend on me, but i feel as if i will never be able to live up to the standards that my boss has set. it is also because i do not want any one new to be supervisor. i am just crossing my fingers that i do not absolutely drive myself into the ground from the responsibility. 

in otherwords, i am so tired and sookie has her paws wrapped around my wrist doing bunny kicks as i type. i've had to retype this single sentence several times because i can't see my screen with her fatass nose in my face. nonetheless, she is my princess of nazareth and queen of galilee♡♡♡

hi my eyes are really dry and i had to buy eyedrops for home and my car because my car is my secret on the go apothecary of wonders.

my boss did text me this morning because i texted him last night about his new store, and we had a cute little morning chat. each day will become easier. (and here is when the mourning births a new playlist)♡♡♡

last night i didn't go to bed until 3am because i lost track of time from writing my essay. finally, this wasn't one of those deadlines in an hour moment but rather working on my essay 2 days before its due. having the same trouble with writing a close reading just as I was in the spring because I'm a pointed official yapper and can never focus on one thing. so, i ended up writing line by line and i talked to my professor and she gave me some quick advice. i just needed a voice of guidance. later I'm going to try and write a tentative thesis so i can finally just pick apart some of the diction and literary devices and not make the essay a, as my prof put it, "polished, superficial analysis."

today's errands consisted of eye drops and leave in conditioner but ended up with needing the very lonely autumn girl essentials: a candle warmer, coffee, and chap stick. i never felt more euphoric than when i walked into yankee candle and found the exact warmer I was looking for. it was the last one and 75% off and I literally felt like I was going to ascend. seriously it was like how ao3 authors describe an orgasm; a searing hot light blinding the senses. i do need an extension cord because it doesn't reach the outlet behind my bureau all the way, so I currently have it lit in the kitchen. the reason for getting a warmer in the first place came from when me and my friend went to northern thrift and I found an entire bag of yankee candle melts, and not the square ones, the CIRCLE ONES. which do not sell in store anymore. it made me think of my grandma who was the queen of yankee candle, bbw, and bed bath and beyond. there was also a heart shaped water candle that's apple scented and I almost cried tears of joy. right now, however I got the cube melts in the scent enchanted orchard and it's making me very sleepy.

other purchases today were a notebook and commonplace books, since I am full of art and humanity and am making up poems in my brain every five seconds when driving around. and also, to make sure to talk about my thoughts later on in these journals, especially that day when I was driving and I wanted to note down all the places I went to. plus, impromptu shopping lists, establishments to visit, and ideas that can't get to the phone in time when i'm driving. 

when i went to get coffee i asked if they still offered the cereal n' milk latte because every other store has basically run out of it and to my surprise, they still have it. i audibly went "yes!" and got really excited and i think the guy could tell. he was very sweet and conversational and said that he notices i come to that dunkin often, and i told him that it's right near my work plus one of the only dunkin's left with the cereal milk. he asked if i would come by again tomorrow and i said "if you got that cereal milk then of course" jokingly, and he went "we have cartons of it" and i was like "i'm def gonna come back then!" it's just so good. there is a recipe online for it and i really need to get on that because that would be a very cathartic ritual.

also, plans with my friend kinda fell through. she's been kinda sick but today was more of an anxious sickness for her because her ex has been really bothering her and it's been stressing her out. i'm really bummed out about it because i really wanted to just have a lazy day with her and show her LIS but, alas, there is always friday. nonetheless, i'm gonna couch rot for a bit until my mom gets home. sookie is sitting at my feet and she is so warm, like a sassy little furnace.

i haven't truly bed rot in so long until today. i initially woke up at 11 then fell back to sleep and woke up at 4. been feeling uber depressed all day and unsatisfied with everything. i eat and i feel disgusting, i drink something and i still got cotton mouth, my head is in a weird fog between tired and from sleeping too long. and the weather is just as miserable.

last night after my friends got out of work we went to newport creamery and i was feeling sorry for myself, i was still enjoying my time but also in a haze. tomorrow me and my friend might hang out again. she's been meaning to play games on her xbox and i was telling her about life is strange and how much i think she'd like it since it was one my all-time favorite games ever. and i have the original disc. as much as i enjoy the remaster it just doesn't hit as much as the original.

also, i've been reading back my entries and i keep finding so many typos so i apologize for that, either i was typing on my phone or just thought too fast before i typed.

i finished my midterm and hour early and honestly i think i did pretty well. the ironic thing about me loving english literature is the fact i am very poor in explaining my thoughts and ideas. usually when i try to explain something it always sounds like a very startled rent-a-lawyer defending someone who just did a really bad thing. after that i wanted to take a ride because it is officially la la la la la gilmore girl weather. it's chilly, there's a cool breeze, a frost advisory... i love fall soo much ♡♡♡

so, i took a ride to my job to say hello, or as i like to call a "welfare check", on my coworkers. my coworker gave me apple pie and crackers because she takes care of me, then my other cw came in and was happy to see me. then my grumpy cw came in because other other cw had hotdogs for him. basically, all of my department was in the break room. having to refer to all my work friends at cw gets so repetitive and confusing but it's also for the sake of their privacy. i could give code names but... ugh; honestly theres firefighter cw, grumpy cw, older woman cw 1 and 2, older man cw, and my boss. then my friends who are actually my age who i hang out with outside of work. 

i also learned that the dunkin' near my house discontinued the cereal n' milk latte!!! i'm so mad, because it's so friggin good. all it is is cereal milk and espresso... literally sugar milk. but the dunkin' near my work still offers it so after i left my visit i stopped by and got it since my usual caramel ice extra extra just wasn't hitting it. it's the milk that really makes the drink, i'm honestly just gonna make my own since all it is is marinated honey bunches of oats in milk (at least thats what i think it tastes like, but there's probably a recipe online somewhere) and a shot of espresso.

now i'm home about to fold laundry and watch many a literary politics video with my sookie before i go to work tonight ♡

had the worst sleep ever last night. literally couldn't get comfortable and when i woke up my back was all messed up. sookie also kept sucking on my ears again and licking my eyes, which may be the reason they're so itchy. literally on my drive to get coffee i had to keep rubbing them because they were so itchy, and usually when they're like that i assume it's because an eyelash folded underneath my eyelid (which happens more than it should). 

it's also a monsoon outside and I'm completely soaked head to toe. like my jeans were light blue and now they're navy. it's honestly so dark out it feels like it's gonna thunder. very disheveled morning so far. plus, water got in my phone port so now it's giving me that usb disabled warning.

tonight, i have work in another department because i took a shift since i have no hours this week. i called my manager before taking the shift because i didn't check the portal first and he was like "yahhh sorry buddy we're really cutting hours..." but then i checked and luckily got a 6-10pm hardware shift. so close yet so far from my boss...</3 plus i think i'm gonna be the only one in the department tonight. tomorrow i have my english midterm which im excited for, and i'm gonna try and work on my essay since i haven't written much but i've got some ideas down in annotations.

now once again im sat in my history class waiting for the professor and today is another debate day... so that means i'm gonna huddle behind my computer and write weird poetry and read the pitt fanfics

tried to attempt going to bed early (circa 10pm) and sookie decided completely against that and has been running and jumping around my room with zoomies. it's honestly because i got home late from an impromptu after work hang-out and smoke sesh with my friends and i didn't take a nap but fell asleep anyway when deciding to just "close my eyes for a minute." i woke up and was just like, fuck it, let me just go back to sleep in my bed. i didn't even brush my teeth or wash my face i just went straight to bed... until sookie started to jump everywhere and bite my hands and feet every time i adjusted myself. i have this thing, probably a stim, where when I'm laying down i roll my feet around, like when you're stretching your ankles, so you arch your feet, and i do this for hours if i have to because it's just self-regulating. human biscuits, if you will. so, she will see this tantalizing movement and start to attack my feet.

besides this i had a very hard-working day today. i had another day of doing the opening but i only had to do sidekick and im proud to have got it all done again and with getting things stocked. then i went on the order picker to get some lawn mowers down and my friends were videotaping me and taking pictures. the harness was still a challenge, and when getting on it i forgot how to turn the fucking thing on. i felt so dumb but my boss literally trained me on it one time before signing me off. it's not a complicated machine that needs multiple lessons like the reach truck would, but the gap in time got me. everything else was natural, however. then i had to fix a safety issue in the faucet aisle, and i was getting so friggin frustrated because the customers would not move aside or stop when they saw me and my coworker spotting me down the aisle. they would just try to overtake me as if we were in traffic. and even though i have to stop for customers since they have the right of way, i only do so if I'm approaching an aisle, not the racetrack. so, if im going down the racetrack they need to move aside. with that i accidentally got flustered and smashed a wing stack with the end of the OP and the MOD yelled at me (jokingly albeit kind of annoyed). nonetheless still Habibti to him. 

then my coworkers were making jokes about me being department head when my boss came in, because i was working on and off multiple machines and cleaning outside garden and filling the spaces in the soil wall. they were watching me take pallets down and were making jokes about me being DS and my boss goes to my older cw "she's gonna punch you." he's always saying that my education is gonna bring me nowhere and to just drop out of college and work there full-time as the department supervisor. and as tempting as the position does sound... i really appreciate my academics and i can't be a student and supervisor. everyone thinks i can do it, despite my age and being in school, but it won't happen anyway since they're gonna transfer a garden supervisor from another store instead of hiring within the departments of our own store. but the other MOD finally gave me the homer he promised me and now i officially have 4 homer awards!

as for the after-work hangout, me and my two friends grabbed some lunch from daves market and drove around through millville mass and Woonsocket. we visited the Woonsocket savers and i shit you not i found a still sealed dvd of "the bridges of madison county" clint eastwood collection and i gasped so loud i scared a little child. i was ecstatic because i finally had one of those "when you find exactly what you're looking for at the thrift store" moments. then we drove back to work since our cars were still there and talked to our other friends (one of which was aforementioned friend filming me on the machine earlier). i was a bit faded and every little joke set me off in a hysteric fit. 

now sookie keeps jumping on and off me and attacking my headphone wire. i also gotta switch the towels in the washing machine before i let them sit in mildew. i used bleach which i usually dont since my mom washes the towels mainly so im afraid to wash my clothes after. i'll just run a cycle to rinse the machine first.

gonna make this quick because i need to get a quick nap in before i go to work. spent my morning listening to songs in English class because we got to choose a song and discuss the poetic devices that are incorporated and i chose "god is alive, magick is afoot" by buffy sainte-marie and the girl i partnered up with said she really liked listening to it. i asked if she watched yellowjackets and she said yes, and we got so excited because i told her that the song is in season 2 and we started talking about the show. 

before my professor was discussing our first close-reading paper due in a few weeks/after midterms (apparently) and i got excited because i loved writing papers in her lit class first semester of freshmen year. she's so spunky i love her. i'm definitely going to try to not procrastinate on this, and i already got a head start on analyzing the poems she gave us, choosing one to write about but i'm reading all four because i wanna see what i like the most. right now, it's between "the world is too much with us" by william wordsworth and "the rites for cousin vit" by gwendolyn brooks. because my prof is more interested in the active thinking in a paper, i think brooks' poem is my best choice because i am still scratching my head. her syntax and diction are so mystical to me, especially in her poem "we real cool" which we read a few weeks ago. oh, and when i was printing my homework at the library i saw that jane goodall passed away :(

i just ordered some Norton anthology books because they are so academically helpful and useful. i've been using my Norton anthology of British literature for some poems this semester that i had read last spring.

then after class i went to the pharmacy to pick up muh birth control and got my flu and covid vaccines. i love getting vaccines because i want to push for the preservation of vaccinations and the health of others during flu season. i got both shots in each arm and i can already feel the pain setting in. the girl who gave me the shots was telling me how she's a marina biologist major at URI and i saw she had shark tattoos and thought that was really cool, and we talked about my hopeless English degree. like I've said many a time before, I'm still in college for the love of the game that is academia and English literature, even if i have zero future in it. i hope to just work on a boat one day, or an oil rig, anything to seclude me from the land and to live on the sea.

now im home with sookie sleeping in my lap with her build a bear pumpkin kitty.

the air is so chilly, i love fall ♡♡♡