psychobabble sexual upbringing

Currently in my English theory class and we're discussing (Ferdinand Saussure) how language evolves within social and historical constraints/trend setting in modernity. one of the examples was mean girls and how they try to make "fetch" happen which was funny. but then we moved onto the TikTok and pop culture slang and how it becomes trends in itself. a girl in my class said that the popular pillars of social media are the trendsetters, and I really wanted to counteract the statement by saying how all of "gen z slang" is actually just AAVE (African American Vernacular English). I am a white person, so I didn't say anything due to the fact that it's not for me to argue upon, even in an academic discourse. I wanted to point out how all of our slang is derived from Harlem Renaissance and Black American culture, with words such as rizz, buzzy, slay, period, lit, etc. Now I use this slang myself, and I'm not saying white people shouldn't be able to use slang, but not in a way that typically, for instance, a white queer man would when he speaks like a Black Woman and takes up her mannerisms. Thus births the joke, "you can't talk like that, white baby." That's just a little bit of what I have to say about that, but it was what I wish I could've brought up in class.

In other words! It's been a while since I posted an entry on here. I've honestly wanted to post little updates, but I haven't had the strength to do so. I started Spring Semester with a shitty start with a double infection of strep and the flu. Completely wiped me out for the entire first week, but I have thankfully made up the little work that had been assigned. I'm starting to take mostly all English Classes now, but I'm stuck between wanting to stay and graduate with a BA in English or moving to go to a Trade school. I would really love to learn a handful of trades because I'm interested in that stuff. I would also like to go to "Marine" School which isn't necessarily military related but is mostly for working on rigs/boats which I still really want to do. Besides this, work has been shitty, just from the people I work with being dirty little scumbags and targeting me and my friends randomly. I'll go into it another time, but it is the highlight of discussion at work. 

I really want to get back into writing and posting on AO3, especially with my hyperfixation of Oz (1997) and The Pitt (2025-). I did make a new friend/mutual to gush over Oz with so I'm feeling very inspired to get back into writing really fucked up stuff for the sickening masses to read.

my big goal for 2026 is to just pass Spring Semester with flying colors so that I can have the best summer ever with my friends. Between road trips, concerts, clubbing, and just having the best time I can. My friend got me into the all-women band called The Last Dinner Party and we're going to see them live at the Roadrunner in Boston. I've been streaming their set list and I'm so excited!!! I'm also going to see Alanis Morisette at a music festival in Marshfield, MA, who I have been DYING to see live. There are a bunch of other artists that are close by in Boston that I want to see but I have been asking my friends to find concerts they want to go to so we can go together.

I love how I have slowly become that person who just chooses when to show up to class when they feel like it. it's hilarious because people will be walking into the classroom and see me and think they're in the wrong class. but I'm really trying not to skip anymore since i only have two weeks left until the end of the semester and then finals. even though the midterm for this class was super easy since we were in a group. after what my friend told me about having this professor I basically gave up on being serious about my attendance in this class, considering that he doesn't even take it. I cannot wait until I'm done with this class and my connections class, which we started a group project in, and we present during finals week. I hope it can make up for my fat F I got on my assignment, just a passing grade at least.

anyway, I started watching animal kingdom because i love shawn hatosy, and it's so weird with sexual-incestuous undercurrents that i can't help but be enthralled. 

hello i now get out at work at 9 because of daylight savings which is very cool because i don't have to immediately go to bed when i get home since i have school right in the morning. however, the newest schedule to come out they put me on 6-10pm which is bogus so I'm just going to come in earlier so i don't have to stay. 

my english professor pulled me aside after class to ask if i was okay because i missed class last week, and i told her i was but then she gave me that "i don't believe you" smirk and i folded, so i told her how i was burnt out from working and stuff. i think she knows that I'm sensitive to even the kindest of criticism, even when the grade i receive is a really good grade. it's just the way i was brought up. i had a lot of developmental issues as a kid, and when i started to get counseling and began getting better at academics, the bar continued to rise higher with each grade. first it started with my dad going really hard on me for the sake of my success, but right now he knows I'm doing it for the love of the game and even my failures are greater than his successes. but my mom, however, is one of those "you represent me, so you have to be the best" or "if it's not a 100% then it's not good enough." 

but as i mentioned in a previous entry about how i got a B+ on my close reading assignment, i was happy to have gotten a good grade, but that unrequited feeling of being so close to an A was eating at my soul. i am simply a victim of my own sensitive self-sabotage. so, i believe my teacher's intuition is exactly this, and she mentioned how she used my paper during class as an example of a good paragraph. i went "really?" and she went "really!" and it made me pretty happy of course, and salty to have missed it if that doesn't sound vain enough. I'm very much part of the nina sayers' and andrew neiman's of my generation when it comes to being good enough, if not the best. 

she also sent me an email recommending me a tutoring position, saying that i'd be really good at it :) i might take it into consideration! just got to balance it out with work. 

hello new england (heather voice) my eyeball hurts because i had to write without my glasses on because i'm too lazy to grab them from my bedroom. 

i started watching true blood again and it's making me very melancholy to be on the last season. i'm gonna miss crashout bill </3 but i started the 100 since my friend recommended me it and I really need octavia and clarke to lez out...

anyway, my manager has already been treating me like i'm the supervisor, however this is the development stage before the interview, i think. i guess he's trying to assess how well i can manage the team by giving instructions, but the thing is that i suck as following directions/remembering them. when my boss would give me instructions i could remember them easily, but after his announcement to leave i guess i just couldn't retain information anymore, even if it was a little task.

but today i felt very squirrely because for some reason the cryptids of smithfield decided to come to my job and ask the dumbest questions ever or act like it's their first day on earth. but i did end my shift by helping this older lady with trying to find this ride on mower for her that her husband was looking for and we had to go through the throes of it because she said she found it for $1300 but on our website, it was for $1999. i tried everything in my power to get her a good discount, even trying to sign her up for a credit card and using her husband's military discount. but we can't piggyback off the two and her credit card application was pending anyway. she had to leave and come back to get her license so i could sign her up for a credit card and when she came back she went up to me with pumpkin bread in tinfoil and said, "i brought some pumpkin bread for you from home but i don't want anyone else to see because i don't have anymore." and it was really good. soft and moist and she was super sweet and patient (despite also being stressed out by technology because she's 87).

then i dropped my friend off at her house and immediately knocked out when i got home. i woke up at around 6:30ish and i honestly didn't want to get up but i have to take care of my little girl. oh, and apparently someone at my job thought i had a baby... like a human baby. and one of the appliance ladies came up to me and asked if i gave birth recently and it caught me off guard so bad. i guess when i mentioned i got a baby kitten they missed the kitten part... so now those who know joke around with me by calling me mama, or my manager saying "mamas gotta eat" when he gets me breakfast or snacks. i might as well have given birth to sookie because we're the same in different bodies, and she's just as clumsy and squirrely and sleepy as i am ♡♡♡

to end this off, I've really been fighting the urge to smoke/drink. i have my parents double addiction gene and ever since i turned 17 I've had this gnawing sensation in my chest to indulge in such vices. i've even tried to purchase cigarettes online since I'm not twenty-one yet, a still recent change to the legal age to purchase cigarettes since the pandemic. my friends are 21 or turning 21 and I've honestly been tempted to give them money in exchange for them to get my stuff. 

late night, or rather early morning, entry because when i got home i had to make sure my essay was done for tomorrow morning. now, i did not procrastinate; the essay was written, but i decided to change my formatting so i had to rewrite it then create a proper introduction, proof read it about five times, edit it just as much, and make sure it fits mla standards before emailing it in. my professor never specified how to turn it into her because there isn't a submission slot on our blackboard. tomorrow i'll have to get a head start so i can head to the library and print it out in case she wants a physical copy of it, of which she could always print herself since i shared the document with her. i feel very satisfied with the essay and as much as i am wary of generative ai stealing my content, i'm going to share a link to it for y'alls viewing pleasure. Unfortunately, I still have to do homework for tomorrows class which is to read a few intros of prose since we're past midterms and moving on to novels and drama. 

also, i've been feeling the effects of imposter syndrome heavy ever since my boss left, because i never mentioned that i applied for the supervisor position at my job. i know it will be a full-time investment alongside school, but this is just the way of life. when i say this, i don't mean to imply that i don't want the position, because i do, i am just scared for myself. i have been encouraged countless times, even my boss said he is rooting for me, but i am nonetheless anxious, inadequate, and discouraged by my own lack of self-esteem. i feel like i still have a lot to learn, and as supervisor my team is going to depend on me, but i feel as if i will never be able to live up to the standards that my boss has set. it is also because i do not want any one new to be supervisor. i am just crossing my fingers that i do not absolutely drive myself into the ground from the responsibility. 

in otherwords, i am so tired and sookie has her paws wrapped around my wrist doing bunny kicks as i type. i've had to retype this single sentence several times because i can't see my screen with her fatass nose in my face. nonetheless, she is my princess of nazareth and queen of galilee♡♡♡

hi my eyes are really dry and i had to buy eyedrops for home and my car because my car is my secret on the go apothecary of wonders.

my boss did text me this morning because i texted him last night about his new store, and we had a cute little morning chat. each day will become easier. (and here is when the mourning births a new playlist)♡♡♡

last night i didn't go to bed until 3am because i lost track of time from writing my essay. finally, this wasn't one of those deadlines in an hour moment but rather working on my essay 2 days before its due. having the same trouble with writing a close reading just as I was in the spring because I'm a pointed official yapper and can never focus on one thing. so, i ended up writing line by line and i talked to my professor and she gave me some quick advice. i just needed a voice of guidance. later I'm going to try and write a tentative thesis so i can finally just pick apart some of the diction and literary devices and not make the essay a, as my prof put it, "polished, superficial analysis."

today's errands consisted of eye drops and leave in conditioner but ended up with needing the very lonely autumn girl essentials: a candle warmer, coffee, and chap stick. i never felt more euphoric than when i walked into yankee candle and found the exact warmer I was looking for. it was the last one and 75% off and I literally felt like I was going to ascend. seriously it was like how ao3 authors describe an orgasm; a searing hot light blinding the senses. i do need an extension cord because it doesn't reach the outlet behind my bureau all the way, so I currently have it lit in the kitchen. the reason for getting a warmer in the first place came from when me and my friend went to northern thrift and I found an entire bag of yankee candle melts, and not the square ones, the CIRCLE ONES. which do not sell in store anymore. it made me think of my grandma who was the queen of yankee candle, bbw, and bed bath and beyond. there was also a heart shaped water candle that's apple scented and I almost cried tears of joy. right now, however I got the cube melts in the scent enchanted orchard and it's making me very sleepy.

other purchases today were a notebook and commonplace books, since I am full of art and humanity and am making up poems in my brain every five seconds when driving around. and also, to make sure to talk about my thoughts later on in these journals, especially that day when I was driving and I wanted to note down all the places I went to. plus, impromptu shopping lists, establishments to visit, and ideas that can't get to the phone in time when i'm driving. 

when i went to get coffee i asked if they still offered the cereal n' milk latte because every other store has basically run out of it and to my surprise, they still have it. i audibly went "yes!" and got really excited and i think the guy could tell. he was very sweet and conversational and said that he notices i come to that dunkin often, and i told him that it's right near my work plus one of the only dunkin's left with the cereal milk. he asked if i would come by again tomorrow and i said "if you got that cereal milk then of course" jokingly, and he went "we have cartons of it" and i was like "i'm def gonna come back then!" it's just so good. there is a recipe online for it and i really need to get on that because that would be a very cathartic ritual.

also, plans with my friend kinda fell through. she's been kinda sick but today was more of an anxious sickness for her because her ex has been really bothering her and it's been stressing her out. i'm really bummed out about it because i really wanted to just have a lazy day with her and show her LIS but, alas, there is always friday. nonetheless, i'm gonna couch rot for a bit until my mom gets home. sookie is sitting at my feet and she is so warm, like a sassy little furnace.

i haven't truly bed rot in so long until today. i initially woke up at 11 then fell back to sleep and woke up at 4. been feeling uber depressed all day and unsatisfied with everything. i eat and i feel disgusting, i drink something and i still got cotton mouth, my head is in a weird fog between tired and from sleeping too long. and the weather is just as miserable.

last night after my friends got out of work we went to newport creamery and i was feeling sorry for myself, i was still enjoying my time but also in a haze. tomorrow me and my friend might hang out again. she's been meaning to play games on her xbox and i was telling her about life is strange and how much i think she'd like it since it was one my all-time favorite games ever. and i have the original disc. as much as i enjoy the remaster it just doesn't hit as much as the original.

also, i've been reading back my entries and i keep finding so many typos so i apologize for that, either i was typing on my phone or just thought too fast before i typed.

i finished my midterm and hour early and honestly i think i did pretty well. the ironic thing about me loving english literature is the fact i am very poor in explaining my thoughts and ideas. usually when i try to explain something it always sounds like a very startled rent-a-lawyer defending someone who just did a really bad thing. after that i wanted to take a ride because it is officially la la la la la gilmore girl weather. it's chilly, there's a cool breeze, a frost advisory... i love fall soo much ♡♡♡

so, i took a ride to my job to say hello, or as i like to call a "welfare check", on my coworkers. my coworker gave me apple pie and crackers because she takes care of me, then my other cw came in and was happy to see me. then my grumpy cw came in because other other cw had hotdogs for him. basically, all of my department was in the break room. having to refer to all my work friends at cw gets so repetitive and confusing but it's also for the sake of their privacy. i could give code names but... ugh; honestly theres firefighter cw, grumpy cw, older woman cw 1 and 2, older man cw, and my boss. then my friends who are actually my age who i hang out with outside of work. 

i also learned that the dunkin' near my house discontinued the cereal n' milk latte!!! i'm so mad, because it's so friggin good. all it is is cereal milk and espresso... literally sugar milk. but the dunkin' near my work still offers it so after i left my visit i stopped by and got it since my usual caramel ice extra extra just wasn't hitting it. it's the milk that really makes the drink, i'm honestly just gonna make my own since all it is is marinated honey bunches of oats in milk (at least thats what i think it tastes like, but there's probably a recipe online somewhere) and a shot of espresso.

now i'm home about to fold laundry and watch many a literary politics video with my sookie before i go to work tonight ♡